60-40 or Fight

by Everett M. Christensen

Health is Wealth and Successful Relationships can have an impact on both. Click on either for more information.

Click on Postulates to review the 25 concepts on which the book is based.

Do other people sometimes irritate you? Do you sometimes irritate others? Would you like every relationship to work out perfectly? If we understand the ingredients in relationships, we can usually make them work if that’s what we want. If a relationship isn’t worthwhile, then we can recognize that, too.

The first thing to recognize is that “Every relationship is a two-person relationship” (Postulate #2). Understanding that helps provide focus. It’s also important to realize that “Conflict, in relationships, is inevitable but resolvable” (Postulate #12) and “When we have a problem, we should look for a solution, not for someone to blame” (Postulate #20). This is especially important to remember because “As the flame of emotion grows brighter, the light of reason dims” (Postulate #18) and it’s not possible to communicate, effectively, through emotion.

Every relationship has its own unique environment and each environment provides three options. We can adapt to it, we can change it, or we can get out. The best option, although not always the most desirable, is to adapt, because environments are usually not easy to change. “We spend so much time trying to change others, whom we cannot change, and so little time trying to change ourselves, whom we can” (Postulate #14).

The 60-40 part of the title refers to the notion that it’s reasonable to recognize the need to take more than half the responsibility to make a relationship work. If the other person is worthy of the relationship, then s/he will do the same, recognizing that “In productive relationships, either everyone wins or no one does” (Postulate #16). If the other person doesn’t respond, or expects you to do everything, then the relationship probably won’t be worthwhile and it’s likely time to exit. Only you can make that decision but be sure to do it objectively because “As the flame of emotion grows brighter, the light of reason dims” (Postulate #18).

The author has an M.A. in psychology, along with years of experience as a management consultant, personnel specialist, college recruiter, university professor, human resources director, senior vice president in banking and an owner of several businesses. He lives with his wife of 47 years in Minnesota and Arizona.

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